


Mitosis

by things-we-used-tc-share (Heavydirtys0ul)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-05-30 20:04:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19410424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/things-we-used-tc-share
Summary: Creativity came first, through the power of growing up, he split into two. This is the story of Creativity, Remus, and Roman, of their life and of Thomas'.





	1. Born of Imagination

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there guys, gals and nonbinary pals!  
> This fic will cover a LOT, and is intended to display the process of growing up, siblings, and reach a solid conclusion on adulthood and dealing with intrusive thoughts. This fic will have some logicality but it's more of a background thing because I thought it would be nice to show not only familial relationships in siblinghood but also parenthood. 
> 
> Warnings for this fic: Violence, kicks in lightly in the second chapter and gets much more graphic in the third onwards, this will include non-permanent character death, blood, light gore, and destructive tendencies. If you feel these topics will be triggering for you, please turn away now. Viewer Discretion is advised. 
> 
> Further warnings: Swearing, derogatory terms not aimed at any particular group, race, sexuality or otherwise, just in general not very nice names. Insinuated smut, but very lightly. 
> 
> Last note: This fic is about growing up, it is about toxic relationships, it is about coping and realizing your own self-worth, it is about being blind to abuse and moving on and healing from it. These are not light topics or easy topics to digest, I would implore that you consider your own mental health whilst reading it and if you want the happy ending that comes then bookmark it and come back when it's complete so you can immediately have that satisfactory close. Take it easy guys, gals and nonbinary pals, peace out!

It started with one. 

Patton Sanders, who did not yet know his name or really anything much, sat in a white expanse of nothing and blinked at the space. His mind plays catch up, digesting its loneliness and everything that his host had learned up until now in his three-year-old mind. "Oh, hello," he turns, the sleeves of his overgrown sweater brushing against his fingertips to see a boy. He looks tired, but he smiles slightly anyway. "I was...alone," The boy can't quite, it seems, manage his words yet either, so Patton does what most three-year-old's would do when they're alone with a strange boy with dark eyes, he offers him a hug. 

This was the first time Patton, who did not yet know he was Patton, met Virgil.

\--

All babies are born with a natural fight or flight reflex, this is true for almost all living organisms, including but not limited to, plants. This is because our brains (or not brains in the case of some things) are instilled with the idea of preservation. This is why a baby cries when their mother is not giving them enough attention; a newborn understands fear perhaps better than most adults. They understand being alone leaves them vulnerable without actually understanding what vulnerability is. That is to say, that Virgil was born with Thomas.

That is, also, to say that plants have anxiety.

Virgil spent three years figuring out what he is and why he had his hands on the figurative panic button all the time, but after three years he named himself as Thomas' fears. Or at least his response to fears, but a three-year-old doesn't exactly have a handle on what _is_ Anxiety. Well, some of us in our twenties still don't quite know what Anxiety is but perhaps that's a conversation best taken up with the education system and not in this story. 

Let's resume. 

\--

When Thomas hit four and a half, Virgil and Patton, who had not yet chosen names and were naming themselves "scared," and "sad/happy", got a visitor. His name is creativity. And he knows this because Thomas drew his first ever drawing because of creativity. He also knows what creativity is as a concept because his pre-school teacher told him this. creativity is very lively, he likes to run and jump and turn nothingness into somethingness. Virgil doesn't quite like him because he's very loud and he, as true to almost everything that he embodies, does not like loudness or suddenness; this is, unfortunately, everything that creativity is. 

Then Thomas hit six, a little late on the uptake as far as developing logic goes, but at this time is where we get Logan. Logan who is very quiet and very thoughtful and is definitely not amused by anything except space and also the rate in which one's heart can elevate when a very pretty boy offers you a flower and a smile. He and Patton butt heads a lot, and they will for the rest of their lives, but it's an endearing sort of friendship in which Logan can be harsh to anyone, but he will always apologize to Patton. 

At age eight, Thomas starts actually understanding the Church he goes too. At age eight, something much different happens. At age eight, Creativity splits. 

It was a blur. Creativity had only stood up to get another bowl of cereal, a mundane thing to be doing before your entire life changes really when you think about it. Every other day he goes for seconds simply because the taste and texture are so wonderful and he does enjoy spelling out words in the wheat letters of his breakfast, today he wouldn't get his second bowl or indeed, any other day. Imagine dying as you reach for a packet of cereal. Imagine not only dying but becoming something else, something new. 

Mitosis. The splitting of one cell to create two new daughter cells. He jolts and screams in pain as he feels his body re-writing itself. The fiber of his being tears; the edges of his body glitch and change and form two completely new things. Patton stands with a bowl in his hands as he watches in horror. Virgil slides from his seat with a panic attack on his tongue. Logan's eyebrows furrow, he watches in fascination as the process completes itself, leaving behind two boys alike in every way except one. "Two creativities," He whispers, amazed. 

Virgil's nose scrunches in distaste. 

Creativity had a penchant for black and white. He always wore a black cape around his shoulders, a white sash and suit with black embroidered buttons. To the left of where had stood a boy stands with a black prince outfit, a green sash and ruffled brown and white hair; to the right, the same boy but different as he adorned white and red in a bold statement of princehood. Two Princes. They grin at each other and then back at the others in perfect sync as their hands come up to raise and wave. 

And now, we have Roman and Remus. 


	2. Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Roman and Remus start to grow, Logan identifies their purposes, Roman isn't so keen to believe him.

When looking at twins, there are always defining differences. Thomas has two twins in his year at school, two girls called Ellie and Lillie and a boy and a girl called Peter and Delilah. Now with Peter and Delilah, the differences are rather obvious, one has a very distinctive male appearance and another female, this may change when they're older and that's okay too, but for now, as nine-year-olds, that's a discussion for another day. With Ellie and Lilith, they both look and sound almost exactly the same, you really have to look closely to tell the difference. Ellie's nose is a little higher than Lilith's, and the way they walk are different from each other's, their eyes are different shades of blue and their interests are not exact despite growing up with the same childhood. 

If we look at Roman and Remus now, we can see slight differences. Roman likes happiness, he loves dreams and Disney and musical theatre. He embodies purity and wholesomeness in his own prideful way. Remus likes those things too but in a different way; he likes the twists, identifies with the villains and fame over happiness. Remus likes to leave an impression and doesn't care how he gets it, Roman likes to make people happy through influence. 

But we should probably look at a specific instance to help you understand the defining characteristics between the twins. For example, Thomas was asked to describe his worst fears in class. Roman acts as a mental filter of what is appropriate to discuss in a creative manner, so not to subject others into an uncomfortable situation, so his answer is likely to be something along the lines of "A room full of spiders, where the walls are covered in webs and country music is being played on repeat," something light and mostly amusing to think about, whilst being a common fear. Country music is everyone's worst fear outside of Texas, so it's relatable. Remus has no such filter, his mind automatically goes to Thomas' actual worst fears such as "Being burned alive in a barn" or "Watching my best friends being brutally murdered and their blood stains my hands," A genuinely terrifying thing to think about. 

Now to understand why this is, we will need Logan. I know, it's not often anyone says those words. 

Logan is the logical facet, logic as a concept is neither good nor bad although an individual's logic can be skewed or made to serve a self-interest of some kind. But for a nine-year-old, logic is fairly cut-and-dry, black and white. And Logan, at this point in Thomas' life has two things to say on this matter, and he does say it to Patton. "Creativity has split into two parts," He starts, and Patton is with him so far, nodding "Therefore it stands to reason that the two represent two sides of creativity," And then Patton is a little lost because how can there be more than one type of creativity? "Roman represents a happier side, and Remus a darker side,"

Patton shakes his head as his eyes go over to the twins, who are dueling with wooden swords and laughing as they shout with faux-anger during their 'battle'. Remus doesn't seem dark or bad right now, he just looks like a child playing with his brother. The sword comes down a little heavy on Roman's head and the other stumbles, still smiling. Patton tells himself it was a slip of the hand, children are clumsy, he himself is clumsy. "Well I'm sure he's just...fine," He says nervously, before busying himself with another topic. Logan sighs slightly, but smiles and nods, one last glance going over to Remus. 

Logan helps Patton make dinner, they don't need to eat but the moral facet seems to enjoy the process of making food and Logan is more than happy to help if it keeps Thomas' mental health in a positive state. When Patton is happy, everyone is happy. When they place the meal down, Patton leans his head against Logan's shoulder and the logical facet smiles just a little. Patton rounds up everyone to settle them down for dinner. Virgil sits at the end, his knees tucked up to his chest as he picks at his food with his fingers, something that Logan is endlessly chastising him for ("It simply makes a needless mess, Virgil, it's unnecessary!). Another side, who they only see at dinner anyway, sits at the opposite end, peering through two-toned eyes as he crosses his legs and eats much more elegantly than the rest of them. Logan and Patton sit on one side together, whilst Remus and Roman sit at the other, elbowing each other. 

Remus has a habit of simply stabbing the food and shoving it into his mouth. Logan would warn him about the hazards of choking when you just shovel food into your mouth like that, but Remus wouldn't listen. 

For all intents and purpose, Logan is like a father trying to control children that will not listen to him no matter how much reasoning he tries to use. Patton is the other dad is trying desperately to make everyone happy but keeps burning the lasagne. Patton watches the two fondly, but his smile slips for a moment as he remembers Logan's words, swallowing nervously before he focuses on his food; Logan doesn't miss this action but thinks it best to leave it be in case it simply makes Patton feel worse to reassure him.

\--

Over the next couple of years, the twins start to change. They're not the only ones that do so, it is only the last member, Deceit, that actually does not change in the slightest except having a penchant for drinking cordial out of a wine glass. Patton becomes more adapted to the fact that he is the core of almost all of Thomas' feelings, even ones he doesn't particularly like and would prefer to brush off. Logan becomes slightly more closed off as Thomas enters a phase of his life that involves cramming a lot of information at once. Virgil becomes a nervous wreck. That's all there is to that, he is certainly working overtime.

And then, Remus and Roman. Roman becomes driven by Thomas' loneliness to create entire worlds and poems in a system of escapism that allows his host to experience contentment outside of the world in which he lives rather unhappily. Remus helps, sometimes, but it's now that Thomas' anger and frustration and loneliness starts to drive something else from the second creative facet. Something...darker. His stories start to contain something other than dashing princes, writing in deaths and murders and mysteries. 

Then the thoughts start. 

It's 9 PM on a Tuesday and Thomas is staring at his phone when it passes through his head, staring at a picture of a puppy on his phone as he scrolls through social media. It's cute, fluffy, white tufts of fur cover its adorable little face and he immediately thinks-thanks to Patton and Roman- 'aw!' He stares a little longer and his brain switches, it trails away from the cuteness of the small little helpless, fumbling animal. Logan's jaw clenches as the thought shivers through his bones in a rare display of uncertainty. 

"Imagine it dead," Imagine it's insides on the floor, watching it squirm helplessly as you drag a knife through its neck. _Imagine_. Thomas flings his phone out of his grasp with an intense gasp. Somewhere, Virgil's legs give out as he heaves a breath, his eyes wide as he stares at Logan with panic written into his expression, utter terror etched its way through his shining eyes and embedded itself to the lines of his face. "Imagine it screaming in pain," 

"Stop!" Virgil screams. 

Logan helps Virgil through his breathing exercises as Thomas stares blankly at the ceiling, looking panicked and disgusted with himself. Roman and Patton look confused, looking at each other. It seems only Deceit makes note of the culprit in the midst of the chaos, his eyes locking with Remus' before he gives the smallest shake of his head. Deceit had managed most of his existence being the antagonist, but it seemed another was slowly emerging. But as soon as that glint in Remus's eyes had appeared it slipped away, feigning upset as he discusses with the others. 

These thoughts come and go from Thomas, mostly when he's stressed or overworked. But it will take them years yet to discover the cause. And once again, if people just listened to Logan, they would've all figured it out so much faster, and so much quicker. 


	3. Play With Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus begins to use Virgil, Thomas' Anxiety to his advantage as Thomas reaches a realization on his sexuality. Patton and Logan reach a new conclusion in a step of their relationship as a result. Roman has to come to terms with some unsettling facts about his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter: Internalized homophobia, homophobia.  
> This chapter was supposed to be when the violence started to kick in but it was already so long, so next chapter!  
> We get a good dose of logicality in this chapter too!! That's about as much as it gets tho unfortunately

Thomas, as I have mentioned before, was raised in a Catholic household, a devout Catholic household. This is why we have Remus to start with although the other sides have not quite reached this conclusion so far in our story, there is another side he has because of his upbringing; Patton. Patton is the command center for Thomas' core emotions, but overall his job is to be Thomas' moral compass, a moral compass that has been raised and influenced by the laws of the Bible, the insinuation here is that a lot of what you're about to witness in this chapter of our little story, is mostly Patton's fault. Indirectly, of course, he would never willingly and knowingly cause harm, especially to Thomas. At some point in everyone's life, you sit down with yourself and ask yourself a very important question: "Who am I?" Now as Thomas rapidly approaches the age of 14, he has to ask himself this question but with a very specific subsection: "What is my sexuality?"

Some people can answer these questions in a heartbeat. Some people take decades to answer. Thomas answered it, and he _hated_ the response. Remus grins to himself as the boy finally and honestly answers the question that had been on his mind for a few years now, and he watches as Patton and Virgil break simultaneously. 

Roman, who had never been particularly masculine in his life is fine, although the angsty poems he's been writing for the past few years could've answered this question if it had ever been asked. He doesn't see what the fuss is about, Thomas likes boys, good for him. Logan, who also could not understand the panic, simply watches the chaos unfold for a moment whilst trying to make sense of the way Virgil's voice echoes and Patton's usually soft-sounding voice raises above the usual volume. "I don't see the issue here," He finally interjects "Nothing has changed, Thomas has always been attracted to boys, we are literally part of his brain we knew this already,"

"They were hoping that was not the case," Deceit interjects "Patton at least, was totally _not_ hoping it was just a phase," Patton's arms fold defensively across his chest, jaw clenching as he looks down at the ground. Well, when you put it like that it sounds **bad**. "And Virgil is _so_ not having a panic attack right now, it _definitely_ didn't come as a surprise to him," There's a moment's silence "For someone so clever Logan, you don't really catch the simple things do you?" The reptilian man slinks away with a shake of his head, leaving behind an unspoken offer. 

"Lying is wrong, we can't lie to people about it, that's even worse!" Patton interjects before the offer has even left Virgil's mouth "This is bad!" In the many years in which they had known Patton, they had never seen him so stressed, his eyes red and tearing up as his lip quivers, hands flailing as he talks with exasperation. "Look there must be something we can do...like...fake it? Until it comes true?" Logan blinks at Patton, for a moment there's a little hurt in his eyes so he tries to steer away from his emotions in time to talk or breathe because for some reason there's a pressure pushing down on his chest.

"Why is this wrong, Patton?" He finally asks calmly "Thomas is finally accepting who he is, this should be a positive thing, and is beneficial to his own mental health as he comes to terms with his sexuality," Virgil shakes his head, Patton shakes his head. Remus rolls his eyes. 

"Virgil is...freaking out because of the society that we live in, Patton is freaking out because he's homophobic," 

"I am not!" Patton protests firmly, whirling around to glare at him "It's just that, everything we've been taught tells us that...it's bad, so it must be bad, right?" Logan is quickly realizing he has to be the one to calm them all down, as Remus gives a grin that looks just a little too menacing and Virgil doubles over in a gasp for breath. "Thomas was raised on laws and rules, things that dictate good and bad, it's..."

"In the Bible," Roman concludes calmly for them all. "Patton is Thomas' morality, I know we forget that sometimes because he does more than that, and Thomas' moral framework has been built on the Bible since he was a child, his family, his friends, his social circles, school even," A downcast expression brushes over his face "We can't understand that because we are not Patton, so...logically, Logan, what is the best defense for this?" Logic in an emotionally charged situation, this is a rare occurrence that not even he's sure he can take on. But he searches his mind. 

"Historically speaking, that would be incorrect," He starts "During the Roman Empire, and it's predecessors, homosexual relationships were not uncommon, they were not looked down upon," Patton seems to be listening like he wants to listen so desperately "What was taboo that happened a lot during those times were grown men essentially copulating with underage boys between the ages of eleven and eighteen, the common phrase from the Bible that says "Man shall not lie with man," is actually a mistranslation, and the direct translation is "Man shall not lie with boy," which is arguably about pedophilia, not homosexuality," Virgil seems to breathe a little bit better as he continues to talk "Furthermore, Jesus often preached love of people who were not loved in society, including homosexuals, there is also a gay couple in the Bible," Patton relaxes, his tears stifling. "Looking at this from the point of view of someone who had to actually study the Bible whilst you digested information secondhand, there are many situations in which homophobia has been denounced over homosexuality,"

"I think I need to lie down," Logan watches as Patton shakes a little, suddenly looking exhausted, he holds out his own arms to stabilize him. A small smile crosses his lips despite everything as Patton leans his head on the other's shoulder. 

"Roman, try and keep Virgil calm whilst I help Patton to bed," Roman nods and moves to sit next to the anxious side, whilst Remus smirks to himself in the corner. Perfect. 

\--

Logan sits beside Patton on the other's bed; sometimes it can be a little overwhelming, Patton's room that is, as the irritation of emotions clambers up his skin. "I've always known and I've always felt bad about it...and felt bad about feeling bad about it," The elder sighs to himself, pushing his hair from his eyes "I know, deep down that this shouldn't feel wrong, but it's going to take a while to understand why it feels wrong in the first place," He sniffles and wipes his eyes before turning his gaze to the ceiling "I just want to make sure Thomas is a good person, you know?" He rests his hand on top of Logan's. Sometimes the logical facet forgets that his friend is such a physical person because he's never on the other end of the affection. Not out of choice, he supposes Patton assumed he didn't like affection. 

In most cases that is true. 

It's time to address the elephant in the room, and no, not the mini statue of a small elephant that Patton for some reason keeps on top of his wardrobe. The elephant being Logan's emotions. Logan doesn't feel emotions a good percentage of the time, he can feel emotions and he does feel emotions, but they don't serve his purpose so he has the option that none of the others have: to ignore them. Most of the time he does ignore them. Except for when he's with Patton. 

Patton practically bleeds emotions, everything he does has an emotional purpose; he cooks and cleans because he loves to do so, he hugs and touches and kisses because he enjoys doing it. He doesn't read because he has to do his job, as Logan does, but because he _wants_ to. Patton has emotions written into every cell and fiber and drop of blood that his body contains, and that sentiment tends to rub off on Logan because he has to work with Patton in order for Thomas to function. At some point "Spending time with Patton because I have too," became "I'm looking forward to seeing Patton today,"

And it makes sense, the two of them are basically the fathers of their makeshift family. They are the ones that have to look after the others, Logan logistically and Patton emotionally. They had unknowingly created a bond between them, and Logan suspects this has been making Patton freak out further even if they hadn't discussed the romantic implications of whatever it is they have. To Patton, right now, a man wanting to romantically be with another man is concerning, it's immoral. To Logan, it matters neither which way because Heaven and Hell haven't been proven to exist but if they did, he doubts Jesus would be happy with people persecuting other people. 

"Thomas is a good person...because you are a good person," He finally responds quietly "You are kind and selfless and because of that so is Thomas, nobody can be perfect Patton and if you truly believe that sex makes somebody suddenly a bad person then you need to question the laws in which your morality has been built," Patton meets Logan's eyes as these words sink into him, he nods and gives a timid and small smile. Logan's right, where is the morality in hating someone for something out of their control? Shouldn't an all-loving God accept and adore the people he made? "Also it's literally in the Bible that God forgives all sins, just make sure Thomas has his last confessional before he dies,"

"Logan!" Patton hisses, but a smile breaks over his face, Logan is right of course, isn't he always? Logan smiles back, the tender sort of smile reserved for Patton and Patton alone as his heart beats steadily in his chest. A moment of silence brushes over them and Logan can feel his friend's fingertips brushing over the back of his hands. He doesn't get a warning, although he's had a few years to prepare for this moment that he'd always known to be coming, as Patton leans forward and presses their lips together gently. Logan's hands trail up to the other's face as years of emotions that he'd only been half acknowledging fill up the room around them, magnetized by the place Patton calls home. 

As they both forget the world and the worry for a minute, Logan offers himself as a distraction to Patton, and they both fall down onto the bed. 

\--

Remus grins to himself. Perfect. They're all distracted and busy fretting over something so silly, he can have the front seat to Thomas' decisions for once. He steps forward and thinks, pushing thoughts into Thomas' head, thoughts that would make even the toughest of people crack if the images flashed through their heads. Virgil begins to panic more, unable to find the source as the images trample through his own mind. It's so much easier when Virgil is panicking, it's like lowering your defense mechanisms in time for a missile to strike, Remus knows this. Remus knows how to _use_ this. 

_Burn the house down._

_They deserve it._

_They made you feel worthless for who you are, taught you to be ashamed of yourself._

Thomas isn't breathing, his chest heaves gulps of air as his hands crawl through the bedsheets to grab a hold of something. His eyes screw shut and one hand comes up to his head like he can scratch the thoughts from his mind. Roman grabs Virgil's hands "Breathe Virgil," He whispers "Come on you can do it, I believe in you," Virgil is crying, tears streak over his face as he opens his mouth to speak through his wracked breathing. "You remember the count, don't you?" A nod. "Breathe with me okay...1...2...3," Virgil forces his own thoughts to mute, he tunes everything out other than Roman's desperate counting and hands clasped around his own. It takes a few minutes until he completely calms, trembling a little, but breathing as he collapses against Roman's chest. 

"What was that?" Virgil whispers. 

"I...I don't know," Roman replies, voice still shaking ever so slightly.

\--

Roughly two hours after the world's longest and most terrifying panic attack, Logan and Patton sit on one end of the table and Roman and Virgil sit on the other end. Logan has just finished explaining, in great detail, with supporting evidence that Remus is bad news, Roman is pissed off.

"He's my brother, I would _know_ if he's evil!" Roman's fists clench tightly against the wooden table and Patton flinches ever so slightly. Remus is Roman's entire life, they had at one point, after all, been the same person, they'd grown up side by side and played with each other every day. Best friends. Roman has tears in his eyes before any of them have any chance to react "He's not evil! He's my best friend...he's my... _everything_ ," He wipes his eyes furiously and stands up so fast that his chair flies backward and clatters against the floor. Roman loves his brother more than anything that he could ever conjure. Life could not give him another twin. And neither could he. 

He races upstairs and away from them all, as Logan sighs under his breath "That did not go well at all,"

"Do you really think it's...Remus?" Virgil asks nervously, his gaze fixated on the table "Because if it's not Remus, and we lock him away, Roman will never forgive you,"

"I'm positive Virgil, I've known for a while now, I tried to divulge this information to Patton a couple of years back when I first started to notice how violent Remus was becoming, I mean, surely you have noticed the similarities between the intrusive thoughts and Remus' own actions? Or how he refused to help you or Patton earlier?" Virgil rests his head in his hand before shaking his head and offering a tired shrug. 

"I really don't know anymore,"


	4. I could have trusted you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman suffers the blow of his brother's betrayal in more ways than one.

Roman has been pacing up and down the length of his room for approximately half an hour, his legs ache, his mind hurts, his entire body feels tired and weak. They must have it wrong, they must be lying there's no way that Remus is bad. Remus is his brother, his other half, the two had been together since their creation there was no way that he was _evil_. It simply could not be true. Even though somewhere in the back of his mind Roman knows, he just _knows_ , that Logan is right; he just doesn't want him to be right, because that means admitting that a piece of Roman is bad, rotten, the bad guy. That means admitting his best friend was never his best friend at all. Roman has noticed that Remus has been getting more violent lately, his 'playfighting' becoming rougher, his words becoming meaner. There's a glint in his eyes that Roman cannot place or at least does not want too. 

Their bedroom door open and Roman stands ramrod straight, his jaw clenching as he slowly to turns to meet his brother's eyes. Eyes that seem to flicker to something calmer "What...have you been up to?" One half of their duo mutters with a shaky and scared voice, scared of his brother, scared of knowing the truth. Scared of seeing the light of his life crack and tell him it was him all along, he'd been playing these tricks and pulling the strings. 

"Oh, just wandering around, you know, seeing how Virgil is doing after his... _episode,_ " There's something in the way he says it, something gleeful about the idea of one of their closest friends having a breakdown; right until it clicks, it really was Remus' plan all along. He's trying to push Thomas over the edge and make him do the awful things he's saying. Remus is as much Thomas' Creativity as he himself is, it makes sense in a twisted sort of way.

Like this was always how it was going to be. 

Roman takes a step back and shakes his head "Virgil was with me, Patton and Logan, he's still downstairs with them, you're lying to me why are you lying?" He gasps out, his brown eyes filling with tears as the crushing realization cracks down his nerves, veins, rushing down his spine and crawling under his skin. His brother was no brother at all. Roman was only ever going to be a pawn to him, a step to break and rid of so that Remus could take control. "It's really true isn't it?" Fear comes. It traces the hairs on the back of his neck like a cold breath in the wind; it slides like nails over his skin and pierces his heart. His own brother. His best friend. 

All lies.

"Oh Roman," The voice that comes out of his twin's mouth sounds like his own, but different, malicious. A twisted version of who he was as the eyes go from soft to gleaming and his lips turn from a gentle frown to a caricature of happiness, twisted, grinning happiness. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing the real Remus is revealed, the plotter, the deception. "No more will I ever lie to you, brother, or to anyone, there's no need now," And then he lunges. 

Roman scrambles back, darting out of the way as fast as his tired body can manage, his hands fasten over his katana, Remus' over his morning star and the two stand in the middle of a room on the brink of becoming a warzone; weapons poised, eyes on fire as adrenaline flares. Roman moves first, fluid movements, he's always had more grace in footing when it came to his twin's choppy movements. Remus, however, is more heavy-handed, his weapon is based in the ability to harm, not control, as he swings the mace, it comes down hard on the katana that is being used as both sword and shield. Roman screams in frustration as he lashes out, blocking the blow and then flinging the other back, this backward and forwards continues, lunge, block, lunge block, just like when they were kids with wooden swords. "Why?" Roman screams out, heaving for air "You were my best friend!"

"That's just it, I was your best friend, but I never needed one," The words catch Roman off-guard as he gives his brother a heartbroken look of betrayal. Remus grins as he brings the mace down on his brother's head and watches as he crumbles to the ground. "So long, brother,"


	5. Come around to the taste of blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman confronts his past with Remus, and takes on his brother once again.

Patton stares at Roman's body for hours. He refuses to leave him as he watches the wounds heal and the breathing and color slowly return. Logan runs a stressed hand through his hair as he paces the room. "If Roman is, for all intents and purposes, non-permanently dead..."

"Don't say that," Patton snaps, his hands balled into fists in his friend's shirt as he presses a damp cloth to his forehead obsessively. "He's not dead, he just...looks it, for now, he's asleep," Virgil squeezes Patton's shoulder reassuringly as Logan reluctantly nods. There's no need to upset Patton further than he already is, it is best to play the obliging game than cause further upset. "Why would Remus do this?" Patton whispers, his jaw clenching as tears sprung to his eyes again "He was..." _Like a son to me_. And so is Roman, and now he has to try and defend one from the other whilst keeping Thomas safe. 

How do you choose? When a time like this comes? How do you look at someone you'd known since they were first created and tell them they don't belong here? Patton has never been a father and this is the closest he will ever get, and now he has to face the boy he'd called "his kiddo," from day one and defeat him. Roman has lost his brother, his best friend, the other half of his soul. They had all trusted Remus, seen him from being created to now; even Deceit a liar and a cheat, would not have seen the evil in a boy who smiled in the face of the people he wished to be rid of. At least Deceit, excusing his eccentricities, and sarcastic tongue, would not have gone to such great lengths to break their hearts. 

When Roman comes too, he coughs, tasting blood on his tongue and great pain in his head as he sits up with tears in his eyes; his memories now bitter and soiled as he thinks of his brother. The other half of the broken whole takes a deep breath, tears falling faster and faster as he whispers his brother's name like a prayer that is going straight to hell. In a fit of anguish and anger, he screams through his grinding teeth and slams his fist down against the carpeted floor. But the anger falters, it fails as his mind plays his memories; the two of them laughing and playing, sword fighting, fighting evil witches together. Two princes in their castle. Being called into dinner to a beaming Patton as they fight over the last garlic bread even though Roman could just conjure more because that's what brothers do. And Patton would chastise them teasingly as Logan rolls his eyes through a smile. 

They all inhale sharply as the memories play around them, tethered through golden ropes from their host as they spin around them. Tears drip from Patton's eyes, a hand covering his mouth as he watches years of Roman and Remus, playing and fighting and laughing and never, ever separated. "Roman..." Patton whispers. Logan shakes his head and squeezes the other's shoulder, Patton's hand rests over Logan's the way two people who know each other's weaknesses do. Familiar. 

"It's okay," Virgil finally says "Just let it all out,"

And Roman does. He kneels in his circle of memories and watches them as his tears patter against every conceivable surface, he wishes he could drown in them. The pain of losing a part of you, a part of your soul, someone you loved. Your best friend. Now his worst nightmare had come true and Roman regrets, no he hates, that he cannot just simply **_die_**. He decides on the next best thing as he stands on shaky legs with his head bowed, sword in hand as he turns towards the door. Patton protests and tries to grab the younger's hand but Logan only stills him "He must do what he needs to do," He whispers softly "We can only be with him when he does,"

Virgil's anxiousness clouds over them as they follow behind Roman, he's shaking. Patton is trembling like a leaf with a heavy, dark, feeling in his chest; it feels like rocks beating where his heart should be. Logan squeezes his hand and he breathes a little better. "Remus!" Roman shouts - no, _bellows_ \- to the other. They had all seen Roman angry, seen him frustrated and snapping like a young child. None of them have ever seen him so terrifying. The air around him seems to crackle and spark. 

Sometimes they forget out of them all, it is Roman that has the most power, as well as Remus, the ability to create and destroy at his fingertips. "Oh Roman, how nice to see you, I do mean that by the way," Roman can see Deceit perched on the breakfast bar shaking his head. He doesn't seem very much happy by the situation either, or maybe it's because he knows what is to follow. "Ready for a re-match? You always did want one of those," He swings his mace with a look of ferocity that could be mixed with madness, like a cocktail; a dangerous, explosive cocktail. "Because you always did like to lose," He swings, the blow is blocked. 

"That's because you were always a dirty fucking cheat," Swing. Blocked. 

"Oh do hurt me harder brother, I enjoy it so very much," He aims for the side, but Roman's reflexes are sharpened by his anger. 

"Fuck yo-" a sharp blade embeds itself in his forehead. Roman hisses and staggers back. Remus drops his guard to smile in victory, he'd won a dance that he'd done a thousand times. Same old script with different lies. 

Roman smirks and slams his sword point first through his brother's stomach. "Fuck you," he finishes as he yanks the blade out of his forehead, breathing heavily as it clatters to the ground "I am not afraid of you, _brother,_ and I never will be, I am furious, you were my best friend!" He shouts in the other's face. The room crackles, Virgil stops breathing. "I trusted you, you bitch," Remus topples to the ground, writhing like he's suffocating "And you will not, ever, turn Thomas into a bad person, do you understand me? You don't want what's best for him! You want what's best for you," 

Bars like a jail cell close around Remus, containing him "There's only one place for you now," He clicks his fingers and Remus is gone. He turns to Deceit, who sets down his tea elegantly "Keep him with the other's until he learns his lesson," He mutters, Deceit knows his place enough to nod. 

"I am _so_ happy about this," He mutters sarcastically, 

Although it’s so clear that he’s not, as he trails away with a look on his face that says that somehow, he can see the years to come, he can see it flashing and playing and somewhere, in the thing that Deceit calls a heart, he regrets that this is the way it has to go now. With one last glance over his shoulder to the group they made into a makeshift family, Deceit slinks away to do his secondary job; protect Thomas from the others, the parts of him that must remain hidden so that he believes he is truly a good person.

Roman has so much anger in him that he crackles with energy, his body shaking and mouth dry as he throws his sword to the ground and stares at it. Patton takes a step forward, eyes wide the way a parent who wants to console the inconsolable does. And Logan, the same as ever, offers a hand with his stoic expression. They all know by now to read what cannot be read in Logan’s expressions, the art of subtlety that he had managed so well means nothing to them, they can see his hands shake, they can see his lips quiver. And that’s all that Roman needs as he collapses into their arms.

Virgil, never wholly part of the group, sits on top of the table and finishes Deceit’s cooling cup of tea, struggling to breathe as he reaches out for Thomas. Thomas, who also cannot breathe, whose body is shaking, whose occupants are breaking and in turn, breaking him. “Virgil?” Logan asks, voice soft for the moment as he moves away from Roman to place his hands on the shaking boy’s knees “You need to breathe, okay? Look at me, please,” That tone so rarely gets used, that soft voice that reminds Virgil of what it might have been like if they were a normal family, to have a parental figure in his life. He looks up and meets Logan’s eyes, and takes a deep breath. “Good, follow my count, okay?” And he counts, and Virgil breathes.

“Thomas isn’t coping,” Roman supplies quietly “He’s having a breakdown,” Patton swallows dryly “We must go to him, he can’t summon us in this state,” The four of them join hands, Virgil’s fingertips shaking against Logan and Roman’s palms, Patton’s fingers interlocking with Logan’s as the four of them take a deep breath together, to endure a journey to the center of Thomas’ mind.

The exit, if you like. 


	6. It was my heart on the line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman struggles to cope with the aftermath as Thomas slowly pulls himself together, Patton is mourning and Logan is trying his best.

Roman places his hand on Thomas' arm as Virgil sits next to him; the man looks glassy-eyed, half registering the people around him "He's dissociating," Logan supplies helpfully, resting his hand on Thomas' back. Tears are still drying on his face, his breathing thin and absent. "One moment," He disappears towards the kitchen and returns with an ice cube, pressing it to Thomas' palm. The sensation seems to startle him a little, but as he squeezes it he comes around. "Thomas, can you hear me?" A silent nod "Good, I need you to focus on your body, okay, focus on what you can feel and relay it back to me, okay?" He gives a small nod and a short cough like his throat is attempting to squeeze itself shut.

"Ice cube, in my hand," Speech slurred, eyes forcing themselves open, they can see him trying so desperately to be aware of his surroundings. "Carpet under my legs and other hand, gravity pulling, couch against my back, I...I can feel my clothes," Logan nods, letting out a small breath, Thomas' eyes follow the movement as though it reminds him that he needs to do something, he takes a deep breath himself. 

"Good Thomas, and five things you can hear?"

"The fridge running, your voice, breathing, the TV, water in the pipes," 

"Good," Thomas seems to be coming around to the grounding exercises, he looks exhausted as he stares at them all "Do you want to talk?" Logan's kindness is always reserved for situations where nothing else may be offered, and as his voice goes a little softer and Patton's hand squeezes over his, Thomas relaxes as he nods. "Did you have a panic attack?"

"It was nothing like I'd ever had before," His voice sounds so fragile, like a breath of the wind might steal it away if it blew particularly hard. He looks it too, skin pale and eyes red and dark, huddled in on himself like a black hole waiting to collapse. Thomas, bright and radiant Thomas, shivering in a house that is too warm and staring through a void of his own emotions with fear like no other. "I felt like I was going to die, Logan," And that's where Patton has to tap out because he can feel it, rippling through him as the waves of the sea might, tearing open every wound he had carefully stitched together. Patton cries. The silent sort of sobs that someone who does not want anyone to know they are crying makes. He presses his hands over his mouth with his back to the others to stifle the sobs. Logan looks back at him with a torn expression.

"Roman, would you mind...?" Roman nods and sits next to Thomas, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing. Logan stands up and walks to Patton, his hand placed gently on the small of the other's back, Patton jumps a little in response as he tries to wipe his eyes; only for Logan to pull him into a warm hug. "It's okay Patton, Thomas is okay, you're okay, Roman is safe," The moral facet whimpers and buries his face in Logan's neck with little whimpers bubbling on his lips, the younger can only rub his back and whisper little reassurances until he has calmed.

"Where did I go wrong? I tried to help, I tried to teach him to be a good person," Patton whispers.

"It was always going to be Remus' job to be what he is Patton, you couldn't have changed that," Logan replies. His tone even softer and caring as he wishes to all hope and God that he knew how to effectively calm his partner down; but Patton only calms when he needs to calm, when he has nothing left to do but calm. So Logan holds him instead and lets the elder soak up his touch and comfort. "You did your best, you were a wonderful parental figure to him, but it was always in his nature to be who he is, and you protected Roman the best that you could, you had no way of knowing what Remus was capable of," Patton nods and sniffles, his tears running dry.

"Roman," Thomas asks shakily "What...What happened?" And fuck, where do you start with a story like that. Roman smiles a little through his tears. 

"It doesn't matter Thomas, you should sleep now, you'll feel better when you wake," Thomas suddenly feels a little drowsy, his eyes falling closed as his heartbeat slows. Roman helps him lie down on the couch. Once Thomas is asleep, Virgil and Roman turn to Patton "He can't remember Remus yet, not now that we know what he's capable of," Patton shakes his head, tears springing back as a 'no' dies on the tip of his tongue. He can't do that, he doesn't want to do that "You have to Patton, you control his memories," Patton's bottom lip shakes as he sniffles, looking to Logan for a little support. The logical facet takes his hand as they walk over to Thomas' sleeping form, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

Patton kneels beside Thomas and presses his fingertips lightly to the others temple. His eyes flash, all of Thomas' memories running over the surface as he runs through them. A single tear slips down his cheek, as he deletes every trace of the twin from his host's memory. After a moment, his eyes return to their normal color and he sniffles, wiping his eyes and standing up. Roman squeezes the moral facet's shoulder, as Virgil watches Thomas. "I'll stay here for a bit, and make sure he's okay," the anxious side receives a multitude of nods, although all in varying stages of weakness. Logan lets out a long, heavy sigh as he closes his eyes and tries not to think about all that had happened.

\--

 _It's my fault_.

In two separate rooms, two separate people have the same thought. Roman paces his room as he waves a hand around, redecorating each element to suit to him and him only; it's clear that he won't be having a roommate again any time soon. He tries not to think it because logically he knows it can't be his fault; even though Remus was once a part of him and the two had shared every moment together, Roman could not have predicted who Remus would become. It shouldn't be his fault. Yet the blame weighs so heavily on him. He jumps as the bed falls into place, it's creation now finished. He'd been jumping a lot the last few hours. Roman isn't naturally a nervous person and yet he's expecting that Remus will somehow be stood there with his mace, that glint in his eyes. 

A shiver runs through him and he feels exhausted. _Those eyes_. That look on his face, how could Roman hope to trust anyone again when his own brother had tried to kill him twice in one day? How does he fight this overwhelming sense of unease that somehow, in some way, Logan or Virgil would do the exact same thing? How does he convince himself he isn't in danger? 

_How does he **heal** from this?_

Two rooms over, Patton is lying on the bed and crying, his mind screaming over and over again _"It's your fault,"_ It's his fault, it has to be his fault, he failed to protect Roman, he failed to see Remus for who he truly was and now he has had to delete memories from his host's mind whilst wishing he could do the same **fucking** thing to himself. Patton is furious with himself but the fury doesn't compare to the heartbreak of failure, to the heartbreak of watching someone he trusted with his entire life become his worst nightmare and hurt a friend that he considered almost to be a child to himself. 

He drags himself from his bed and to Logan's room in a desperate attempt to stop the clutter in his mind, but the suffocating feeling of Logan's room only has him collapsing into his partner's arms "How do I make it all stop?" He gasps "How do I... _how do I **heal** from this_ Logan it hurts, it hurts so bad," The mind takes his heart into his arms and holds him, the warm way that only Patton gets to feel. 

"It takes time," Logan says gently "Time and acknowledging that it wasn't your fault, at all, and if I have to tell you that every single day then I will, because it wasn't your fault at all Patton, it really and truly wasn't your fault," Patton breathes a little, rests his head on Logan's shoulder as he tries to stabilize his mind. "There's nothing to be done now, only breathe," Patton believes him, he really does "Everything will be okay, pertaining to this particular crisis anyway," A small smile cracks at Patton's lips "You need rest, it's been a stressful day for you,"

"Can I...?"

"Of course," With a click of his fingers, they're both in pajamas and crawling into bed. 

\--

The answer is, really nobody entirely heals from these things. Betrayal and heartbreak this extreme leaves a gaping hole in your soul; it would take a solid year for Roman to even trust his closest friends again, and only with their and his own affirmations does he get this far. Patton will always have a nagging feeling at the back of his head that it was somehow his fault, and so would Roman. Nothing will remove that completely from them because it is how they feel, and a deep part of their personalities to feel that way. And that's okay, feeling is never quite a bad thing. But when it gets too much they will return to the present for reassurance from each other. Patton will apologize so often to Roman for little things that don't warrant an apology, because that's how he's learned to cope with the feeling of letting him down.

Roman can be particularly harsh at times, a mechanism he'd managed to put in place to protect himself that only really serves in hurting others, which at some point he will learn to apologize for. Hurting others because you are hurt is never the answer, and only creates a vicious cycle. Roman will have nightmares about Remus for years. Virgil will have panic attacks over him when he's not even there. There isn't a quick way to heal, to move on, there's no shortcut and life isn't a game of Mario Kart where you can skip to the finish line. It's hard. No lies, it's terrifying; but it is okay to be terrified sometimes, it is okay to say "I am scarred by this," and in the end, it's what both Roman and Patton do. Admit it, they admit how badly it hurts them, how scared they are of Remus. Logan helps the best he can with his knowledge and Virgil helps a little in the emotional department.

So when Thomas knows, when the time comes that he must know. They're a little bit more prepared.


End file.
